Sunday, July 30, 2006

(STBOB #1) Women

For all the literature in the world on women, there is still some scope for improvement. There are still millions of unmated men and women out there. All because they dont know the rules. Strange but True.

Well, in this edition of spewnotes, i try and cast some light on the matter. My locus standi? fuck knows. At any rate, here we go.

Women switch between two basic states, and if men have a hope of getting any, they need to cater to two of these all the time. Yes. All the time.

Woman to Child (W2C)....(HEIL THE HENPECK)
Basically, a Mom state. Very strongly defined in most women, its a simple state of mind needing to arrange the world in a pre-determined order. (The order itself is common to most women, but let's not get into that.) All you need to do is fall in with this order For eg: Bathing before Sunday lunch or some such.

If you try and be ultra-cool, and want your space, be careful. You may get it. For me, and most guys, i suspect, this is the state most difficult to get used to. It is like getting your maleness pounded into flaccid submission. Painful.

There is an upside to this though. (This note, written as it is being by an enlightened male, aims to share the cheerful state of existence of "been there, done that".)

If you time it right, you might get your fortnight's laundry done at bristling pace by woman in the throes of getting her world to look exactly like the way she wants it to look. All you have to do, is observe the frequency of above state. (This is very specific to each woman, but you might find that this eruption usually happens at the time of your favourite game on TV. You see, finding you in the middle of bristling constructive activity takes the fizz out of the whole exercise. Finding you somnolent watching "John Snead's amazing pool trickshots" is much more satisfying. Who said women werent logical?). Well anyways, it is important to let the woman squeeze as much satisfaction out of the entire episode. If this means that you hold on to your TV Couch, against all your gentlemanly instincts, do not budge. Secondly, try and leave all your unwashed laundry / cigarette butts / expired porno in one massive pile. Concentrate on the game. You'll find a squeaky clean den and a happily martyr like woman the next day.

(NOTE: A dangerous refinement - actually trying to incite this "W2C" state, when too lazy to do your laundry- is something best left to married men.)

Woman To Dad(W2D)...(CUDDLE THE COBRA)
A Child state. At times, the best part of women, its the state where they want to be hugged and protected. It brings out the Male instinct, and is a bit like alcohol in that respect. It fills you with that warm woozy feeling, suffusing every fibre of your being with a warm glow, makes you think you are the First Emperor, when all you are really doing is dissolving your insides in some harsh liquids and killing some brain cells. Women, really, are hardly any different.

Of course, there exists this particular brand of refined male, who having been through countless encounters of a similar type, and having had to deal with the aftermath, now know what this is. A heaven-sent opportunity to make out. And that's what it is. Just follow steps 1-3.
1. Do the cuddle.
2. Don't solve problems.
3. Whisper sweet nothings (And that's not as hypocritical as it sounds. Might sound like a paradox to males, but it is really a meaningful routine that works for women. A bit like the psychiatrist's couch).
4. Make out

Wonderful approach. Highly recommended.

Of course, there have been well-intentioned men, who have dismissed above approach as farcical. There are few of them left to tout the positives of their approach. (Most of them are either dead, single or temporarily gay). But some hieroglyphs have yielded the fact that their approach may have been not as wise as they had hoped.

Apparently, They followed the following steps:

1. Cuddled. (Honestly, this is instinctive)
2. Listened. (Apparently, this is where the disaster began.)
3. Reacted. ( One of the rare moments which was satisfying to both parties concerned)
4. Set out a plan to solve the problem (Ouch)
5. Went to bed with a plan and determined clench of the jaw.
6. Woke up to find woman considerably less victimized than she seemed the night before."AH! she's being brave! Attagirl." (Poor man. Clueless.)
7. Met woman the next evening. Expecting to be gazed at with loving adoration. Almost expecting the Final Token Of Male superiority - The Blow Job. Things dont go quite according to plan. Woman arrives somewhat peevish. Allegations of "running my life" ; "control freak" ; "obsessive" pile on late through the night.
8. Next morning, finds said male run over by bus. (Apparently didn't read the sign "Crossing the road while Wondering about why-girlfriend-dumped-me is Strictly Prohibited.")

On the whole, its a state that's responsible for keeping most relationships and marriages going.

These are the two states, that i like to think, are the ones that one needs to be aware of, if one is looking to get some. There are other more superficial states. Periods, Marriages and Engagements, that bring out some interesting shades in women.

We'll get into that sometime. Its late and i gotta get home!


Anonymous said...

One can't help but wonder how thee handle such states.

ela1ne1 said...

hey p.. just started blogging 2 weeks back.. attempted to begin quite a few times,unfortunately, i kept forgetting my password (ah, the issues in my life!).

this was a very entertaining post. dunno why, at the mention of woman in it, i think MK, and at the mention of man i think our PK. so twas quite funny imagining the situations.


Ford Prefect said...

True my friend ... Very very true ...

shipra said...

i love that daddy calls u that.
Anyway...are u gonna update or what!!!!

Meg said...


Here's the story - the fact that you actually have 'two' (i'm impressed, big man!) states identified, all worked out and explained with bullet points, enables me to quash thy theory without so much as whooshing out the pent up amusement i had after reading it.

The real deal is there are sub sections to the million other states you missed out on (oh yes, there is more, just like you guys talked about on some lone terrace after a deep drag of shumthing-shumthing...eheheehe)

The two you mentioned could be carefully crafted easy to assume personas that are

a)Hard wired into every female by default. comes with easy to use instructions and open source sharing rights. As quite evidently used on your post.

b)The ones you get and the buck sops there.

so Spew, in all good faith, if you're truly looking to understand the rest of the ones you this space for more...would be happy to enlighten you.

You seem like a nice chap, with a penchant for humour and nicely strung words..., it would be a wonderful sidebar for my coffers.

;) later...


Spew said...

awesome job, eli! not taking away from your humbling riposte ..but do read

for ready repartee...All said and done..i WILL watch this space with coffer-fillers at the ready, so to speak :)