"Spewnotes, in no way, intends to educate, inform, propagandize or entertain and aims (using the term loosely and thereby implying much less work), at best, to be something approaching a rambling read."
- Spewnotes,
March 7, 2005
Its been almost three years and I still talk utter bollocks.....
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
The Namboodiri Principle
On a sunny humid evening in eastern Kerala, Namboodiri and his friend were walking around a village quite peacably, talking about matters that two young men would on a sunny humid evening in eastern Kerala, when they saw a mahout with a majestic-looking elephant. Looking at the magnificent beast with its lolling walk, Namboodiri felt a sudden desire to own the elephant.
After a brief conference with his friend (who doesn't really have a substantial role in this tale) who owned most of the vigorous head-shaking content in that private dialogue, Namboodiri went to the mahout -
"Good sir, Would you consider giving your glorious elephant to me?"
"No."
Namboodiri walked away content.
Truly....a glorious tale.
minds of married people..
Saturday afternoon at Pecos. In the middle of a rather vigorous session of beer and various animals cooked in a variety of ways but mainly beer, S leaned forward and queried earnestly "Isn't it strange how married couples tend to hang out with married couples? Isn't it even stranger that even newly married couples are more at ease with married couples?"
Oog burped "yes ra! she's got it! ...for the past four minutes, I've been wondering how it is that I like my wife so much and why it is that i hate being married to her! and yes..this here is it! It is because married couples have to hang out with only married couples! why does it have to be like that?" (oog would have been happier meeting hola-hola dancers from taikwiki, preferably in the nude but that doesn't take away from the question, does it?)
About twenty minutes later, I knew why.
I'd love to say this was due to concentrated thought and gazillion calculations of multiple scenarios i ran in my head at the speed of gossip, but no. A rather smashed but severely tickled Nari started howling in my ear. Howling is what Nari normally does and that, in itself, was insufficient to draw the interest of my own rather pickled senses. No..it was that he howled 0.026 mm from my ear was what probably did it. But moving on, he proceeded to relate a telephonic conversation he'd just had with Soda (who at that moment in time was a picture of content respectability, walking as he was hand in hand with his wife of four years on a romantic evening in Bandstand).
"Maccha...Soda's gonna be a DAD!!" I choked - I'd met soda four days ago, and I'd be damned if a drunken and unmarried Nari managed to worm this intimate info out of himin a 3 minute conversation! "how do you know?" I barked at him having trouble seeing his face which was fading in and out. Probably cos I was waving my fist at it.
Apparently this is the conversation that happened between Nari and Soda.
"Sodaaaaaaa....&!@&@%.....@%$@%$@%$........&@%@$$...^&@!#@@....how are you, ra?
"Umm..hey..taking a walk n bandstand with my wife. Wha-"
"%$@##!!! we spent 7 years in college passing our 4 year course!! Good times, eh ?"
"umm..sure..yeah man.."
2.5 min conversation. Nari definitely with larger share of voice.
Nari: " Okay ra soda %$##, you take care, %$%$...and yeah! HAVE SAFE SEX TONIGHT!" (giggle giggle)
Soda: "um."
Nari: "OR MAYBE NOT! JUST HAVE SEX" (howling howling)
Soda hangs up.
Nari says"Maccha...Soda's gonna be a DAD".
Oog burped "yes ra! she's got it! ...for the past four minutes, I've been wondering how it is that I like my wife so much and why it is that i hate being married to her! and yes..this here is it! It is because married couples have to hang out with only married couples! why does it have to be like that?" (oog would have been happier meeting hola-hola dancers from taikwiki, preferably in the nude but that doesn't take away from the question, does it?)
About twenty minutes later, I knew why.
I'd love to say this was due to concentrated thought and gazillion calculations of multiple scenarios i ran in my head at the speed of gossip, but no. A rather smashed but severely tickled Nari started howling in my ear. Howling is what Nari normally does and that, in itself, was insufficient to draw the interest of my own rather pickled senses. No..it was that he howled 0.026 mm from my ear was what probably did it. But moving on, he proceeded to relate a telephonic conversation he'd just had with Soda (who at that moment in time was a picture of content respectability, walking as he was hand in hand with his wife of four years on a romantic evening in Bandstand).
"Maccha...Soda's gonna be a DAD!!" I choked - I'd met soda four days ago, and I'd be damned if a drunken and unmarried Nari managed to worm this intimate info out of himin a 3 minute conversation! "how do you know?" I barked at him having trouble seeing his face which was fading in and out. Probably cos I was waving my fist at it.
Apparently this is the conversation that happened between Nari and Soda.
"Sodaaaaaaa....&!@&@%.....@%$@%$@%$........&@%@$$...^&@!#@@....how are you, ra?
"Umm..hey..taking a walk n bandstand with my wife. Wha-"
"%$@##!!! we spent 7 years in college passing our 4 year course!! Good times, eh ?"
"umm..sure..yeah man.."
2.5 min conversation. Nari definitely with larger share of voice.
Nari: " Okay ra soda %$##, you take care, %$%$...and yeah! HAVE SAFE SEX TONIGHT!" (giggle giggle)
Soda: "um."
Nari: "OR MAYBE NOT! JUST HAVE SEX" (howling howling)
Soda hangs up.
Nari says"Maccha...Soda's gonna be a DAD".
Monday, October 30, 2006
Day in the life of a rural marketeer....
"Glow signs!" I exclaimed! "bloody glow signs -its what we'll do!".
I looked at someone who is probably the most important person in my life right now - Mr.S- a world-weary businessman who also doubles up as my distributor in his less-sane
frames of mind. We were discussing some brand signage formats -basically my company name in font size 17,745 - for our village dealers. The kind of paradoxes and existential issues for our business the last phrase raises are worth peering into, in fact, the entire business is a bit questionable,if you ask me, but considering I chucked up obscene dollar money to do this, I am perhaps less than adequate as a rational questionee.
"Glow signs?" Mr. S. mutters. "Glow signs? in villages that are lucky if they have a cock and a lame buffalo to distract them?" He's gettin' that look again in his eye, and I am about to tell him as much. "Where do you think you are retailing? Bangkok? or MG road?" he rails.
"You may have something there" I concede instead while he rolls his eyes in a gesture I don't exactly approve of.
We decide on cloth banners, and order another round of tea.
I looked at someone who is probably the most important person in my life right now - Mr.S- a world-weary businessman who also doubles up as my distributor in his less-sane
frames of mind. We were discussing some brand signage formats -basically my company name in font size 17,745 - for our village dealers. The kind of paradoxes and existential issues for our business the last phrase raises are worth peering into, in fact, the entire business is a bit questionable,if you ask me, but considering I chucked up obscene dollar money to do this, I am perhaps less than adequate as a rational questionee.
"Glow signs?" Mr. S. mutters. "Glow signs? in villages that are lucky if they have a cock and a lame buffalo to distract them?" He's gettin' that look again in his eye, and I am about to tell him as much. "Where do you think you are retailing? Bangkok? or MG road?" he rails.
"You may have something there" I concede instead while he rolls his eyes in a gesture I don't exactly approve of.
We decide on cloth banners, and order another round of tea.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Always a woman to me..
It’s a lazy diwali afternoon and I think I’m having an affair. No...not one of those iffy "is-there-or- isn’t-there" kinda nothing attractions. There definitely is...and an intensely physical one at that. I have no idea how it started to get to this. Its like most other things of this sort, just a queerish turn of events and no one’s really to blame. Of course not everyone is going to see it that way.
But let me start from the beginning..
I was introduced to her, ironically enough, through my dad. And like most things dad has introduced me to (The godfather at age 9, beer, atheism, cars and stories of his wild days), this one turned out to have out far-reaching consequences but damned if I realized it at the time.
She seemed completely awkward to me at first…on the verge of "uncool". Unfashionably voluptuous (and how!), she was loudmouthed and opinionated, but (and I say this from hindsight) pretty smooth when she wanted to be. She certainly wasn’t trying to be at her smooth best when I met her, and in a weird sort of way, i think that’s what did it for me in the first place.
In god’s well-intentioned but screwed up way of working, she moved into my city, and on the ground floor of my Bangalore apartment within 2 weeks of that. .. She'd had it tough, i guessed, and she looked completely so out of place that I had to rescue her. She condescended to yield to my tentative offer of helping her out. I introduced her enthusiastically to my friends, my colleagues, with unsurprisingly little success. She just wasn't the bubbly sophisticate they were used to. well..one thing led to another, and we started spending a lot of time together. She seemed to have some work in places close to my office, and we started commuting together – you know how it is –you slip into a routine like that where you wake up and go to work along with someone, and soon you find yourself waking up and going to work because of her.
Things started going kinda outta control after that, and I started dreaming about her, started buying her new stuff so she could look good, feel better about herself and fit into my life. I guess things were always simmering between us and we entered the zone without really meaning to. It really hit me today how far we’d gone when I realized I didn’t care who knew about us…today …2 pm on an overcast diwali afternoon in the basement parking lot of our apartment..our first meeting in sometime due to my recently hectic schedule and my home trip (which i cut short to get back to her) .. slipping my hand into hers and drawing her close ...it seemed like what we were meant for..she responded immediately…..unusual for her….but she seemed like she was waiting for me..her body warm, and her curves waiting to draw me into her. We held each other like that ..the only sounds being her gentle gasps, and my own head rushing so loud that I couldn’t..didnt want to hear anything else..I held her close…and I wanted to hear her breathe all day long…
Its been an hour since I got back…am lying back on my bed…my body still aching pleasantly…still throbbing from our intense time together..the smell of her on my fingers….traces of her on every part of me……and in my head thinking…”what the hell am I doing?” …and as I started to write this…my attempt at catharsis, i guess….I am thinking about all of you….all of you in your snug lives...who’ll read this..and am thinking that she might be just a 350cc bullet to all of you….but she’ll always be a woman to me….
But let me start from the beginning..
I was introduced to her, ironically enough, through my dad. And like most things dad has introduced me to (The godfather at age 9, beer, atheism, cars and stories of his wild days), this one turned out to have out far-reaching consequences but damned if I realized it at the time.
She seemed completely awkward to me at first…on the verge of "uncool". Unfashionably voluptuous (and how!), she was loudmouthed and opinionated, but (and I say this from hindsight) pretty smooth when she wanted to be. She certainly wasn’t trying to be at her smooth best when I met her, and in a weird sort of way, i think that’s what did it for me in the first place.
In god’s well-intentioned but screwed up way of working, she moved into my city, and on the ground floor of my Bangalore apartment within 2 weeks of that. .. She'd had it tough, i guessed, and she looked completely so out of place that I had to rescue her. She condescended to yield to my tentative offer of helping her out. I introduced her enthusiastically to my friends, my colleagues, with unsurprisingly little success. She just wasn't the bubbly sophisticate they were used to. well..one thing led to another, and we started spending a lot of time together. She seemed to have some work in places close to my office, and we started commuting together – you know how it is –you slip into a routine like that where you wake up and go to work along with someone, and soon you find yourself waking up and going to work because of her.
Things started going kinda outta control after that, and I started dreaming about her, started buying her new stuff so she could look good, feel better about herself and fit into my life. I guess things were always simmering between us and we entered the zone without really meaning to. It really hit me today how far we’d gone when I realized I didn’t care who knew about us…today …2 pm on an overcast diwali afternoon in the basement parking lot of our apartment..our first meeting in sometime due to my recently hectic schedule and my home trip (which i cut short to get back to her) .. slipping my hand into hers and drawing her close ...it seemed like what we were meant for..she responded immediately…..unusual for her….but she seemed like she was waiting for me..her body warm, and her curves waiting to draw me into her. We held each other like that ..the only sounds being her gentle gasps, and my own head rushing so loud that I couldn’t..didnt want to hear anything else..I held her close…and I wanted to hear her breathe all day long…
Its been an hour since I got back…am lying back on my bed…my body still aching pleasantly…still throbbing from our intense time together..the smell of her on my fingers….traces of her on every part of me……and in my head thinking…”what the hell am I doing?” …and as I started to write this…my attempt at catharsis, i guess….I am thinking about all of you….all of you in your snug lives...who’ll read this..and am thinking that she might be just a 350cc bullet to all of you….but she’ll always be a woman to me….
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Blogging and one track minds
Man -it feels good..not quite an honest-to-god you're-a-sod-and-god-help-you argument...but at least the nucleus of one! I think did it make apparent from my last post how i feel about the feel-good bubble around blogging (by users and readers) and its making blogging as exciting as trip to the ol' confessional.
Getting back to the nub of the matter - questioning the existence of women and one-track minds - well heck. I am all for sexually liberated women, and god knows living the turbulent teenage years (read not laid yet) was made possible by fantasies of running into precisely such women. Its only upon much reflection (and many failed attempts at seducing women in bars, bus stops and pretty much everywhere else ) that one reached the enlightened (and painful)realisation that there was more to this getting laid thing than met the eye. Even the Nymphos I met (yep I have..two so far..and yep..i got lucky) had a depressing story behind their (to put it mildly) "strong" sex drives.
Sitting now upon this worked-hard-at knowledge, and almost hitting an inflection point where one can almost look at women without seeking to "get some", comes an "insightful" revelation that women are prone to base instincts as the proverbial caveman, and that "all I want is a good fuck" is not merely a line out of My Secret Garden!
So, L's and G's, all that irritates me is the possibility that we are being taken for a royal ride, and not least because some money is being made out of our gullibility!
Getting back to the nub of the matter - questioning the existence of women and one-track minds - well heck. I am all for sexually liberated women, and god knows living the turbulent teenage years (read not laid yet) was made possible by fantasies of running into precisely such women. Its only upon much reflection (and many failed attempts at seducing women in bars, bus stops and pretty much everywhere else ) that one reached the enlightened (and painful)realisation that there was more to this getting laid thing than met the eye. Even the Nymphos I met (yep I have..two so far..and yep..i got lucky) had a depressing story behind their (to put it mildly) "strong" sex drives.
Sitting now upon this worked-hard-at knowledge, and almost hitting an inflection point where one can almost look at women without seeking to "get some", comes an "insightful" revelation that women are prone to base instincts as the proverbial caveman, and that "all I want is a good fuck" is not merely a line out of My Secret Garden!
So, L's and G's, all that irritates me is the possibility that we are being taken for a royal ride, and not least because some money is being made out of our gullibility!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Blogs
What with the diwali break and rather easily-satisfied powers-that-be at work, I have been casting some thought (in a loose sense of the word) on various kinds of blogs I have come across.
I did post my rather acid thoughts on one of them (girl with a so-called one track mind) but this time I am going to try and categorize them, which should fulfill the rather dubious objective of making stereotyping easy!
Yeh Hain Meri Kahaani: well..its almost self explanatory but this type is the most common, differentiated only by the style and personality of the author. Usually is heart-tugging fare dealing in emotion of various degrees from unrequited love to sick puppies. (think Karan Johar!)
Often starts with a theme (usually quite informative) but jumps soon to the nub of the matter - raw emotion. I think one reason why people love (writing as well as reading) YHMKs is because emotion is the most common denominator across cultures and personalities. AW's blog is the best example of this, and probably the classiest as well. Following close behind in its emotional wattage is Munna who is more inward looking and lot more raw than AW but am sure will mature into using emotion in the same subtly flambuoyant way as AW does! He does score higher on his insights and EVERYONE'S gotta read the potato post!
Personally though, I find YHMK blogs exhausting at most times, and sometimes mundane. They dont wow me with their writing or their insights. (We talked about this, AW!). On its positive, it is consistent, (for people who like that) and some -amazingly feel-good!
A similar-but-not-quite type is the type which uses its blog to articulate personal journeys, and usually involves active interaction with the visitors (classic c0-creation for the Marketing inclined!) and its more communal than AW's morally uplifting yet inaccessible tripe!
SB, EU i think are more on these lines, while Nishant's is too - although he won't admit it (about the people bit)!
A different type of blog - still YHMK but far more pleasant is the type which uses the author's personality and tastes more as a backdrop to more material insights, views and thoughts. I define this type for Daddy's blog. Daddy's been a favourite from his first post and very easy on the eye for its relaxed manner and unselfish views- and for how it almost always leads to a new piece of knowledge while connecting with some part of you. For some strange reason, I tend to think of this blog as more masculine - and that's probably daddy's persona coming through - his ambition, sport and bike-riding leanings!
My all time fave type - and this is for sheer quality of imagination, writing and depravity is the theme blogs and what rocks for me is it is outward looking, sometimes entertainingly self-deprecating. This is what I'd like my own blog to be like but I think i suck at it. Calling Betelgeuse - is definitely by far the best I've read and I usually find - no matter when I pick it up, myself reading up all the posts that I've missed and some bygone ones - just for laughs!
Its dark, its sleazy and it uses the author as one extreme of insanity and any one else who shows up (and for a change they do!) as far more normal, and the entire mish-mash is rip-roaringly funny!
I guess what this post's gonna do is draw reactionary reviews of my sodding-effort-at-blogging. :-) Heck-its a free country..or that's what they'll have us believe at any rate!
I did post my rather acid thoughts on one of them (girl with a so-called one track mind) but this time I am going to try and categorize them, which should fulfill the rather dubious objective of making stereotyping easy!
Yeh Hain Meri Kahaani: well..its almost self explanatory but this type is the most common, differentiated only by the style and personality of the author. Usually is heart-tugging fare dealing in emotion of various degrees from unrequited love to sick puppies. (think Karan Johar!)
Often starts with a theme (usually quite informative) but jumps soon to the nub of the matter - raw emotion. I think one reason why people love (writing as well as reading) YHMKs is because emotion is the most common denominator across cultures and personalities. AW's blog is the best example of this, and probably the classiest as well. Following close behind in its emotional wattage is Munna who is more inward looking and lot more raw than AW but am sure will mature into using emotion in the same subtly flambuoyant way as AW does! He does score higher on his insights and EVERYONE'S gotta read the potato post!
Personally though, I find YHMK blogs exhausting at most times, and sometimes mundane. They dont wow me with their writing or their insights. (We talked about this, AW!). On its positive, it is consistent, (for people who like that) and some -amazingly feel-good!
A similar-but-not-quite type is the type which uses its blog to articulate personal journeys, and usually involves active interaction with the visitors (classic c0-creation for the Marketing inclined!) and its more communal than AW's morally uplifting yet inaccessible tripe!
SB, EU i think are more on these lines, while Nishant's is too - although he won't admit it (about the people bit)!
A different type of blog - still YHMK but far more pleasant is the type which uses the author's personality and tastes more as a backdrop to more material insights, views and thoughts. I define this type for Daddy's blog. Daddy's been a favourite from his first post and very easy on the eye for its relaxed manner and unselfish views- and for how it almost always leads to a new piece of knowledge while connecting with some part of you. For some strange reason, I tend to think of this blog as more masculine - and that's probably daddy's persona coming through - his ambition, sport and bike-riding leanings!
My all time fave type - and this is for sheer quality of imagination, writing and depravity is the theme blogs and what rocks for me is it is outward looking, sometimes entertainingly self-deprecating. This is what I'd like my own blog to be like but I think i suck at it. Calling Betelgeuse - is definitely by far the best I've read and I usually find - no matter when I pick it up, myself reading up all the posts that I've missed and some bygone ones - just for laughs!
Its dark, its sleazy and it uses the author as one extreme of insanity and any one else who shows up (and for a change they do!) as far more normal, and the entire mish-mash is rip-roaringly funny!
I guess what this post's gonna do is draw reactionary reviews of my sodding-effort-at-blogging. :-) Heck-its a free country..or that's what they'll have us believe at any rate!
Women and one-track minds?
It's been irritating me -this one...not least cos it goes against all my carefully constructed theories about women. But girl with a one track mind is being called insightful because of precisely that - it goes against EVERYONE'S well-constructed theories!
"Here" ,the world seems to say, "is a woman with a sex drive and proud of it. No touchy-feely (no pun here -editor) emotions for this one". Well - methinks this chick is taking us for a ride. Hey -we've all met women who enjoy sex and not too shy to admit it- but no one -at least in my "normal people" sphere seems to think of sex ALL the time.
Its weird - its just a carefully built porn bubble for the refined man - no never-ending cleavage or red bathing suits here- its sophisticated, well-worded sex interspersed with shades of a feminist movement but its still got sweaty bodies and enough references to wetness to make you think sexually depraved women instead of a leaky tap next time you hear the word. Gotta think lowest common denominator, mate!
Bosh - No one's got a one track mind- not even those geniuses in school who built 30,000 Cd libraries of porn. Its possible that women may be able to detach sexual feeling from emotional but that's only in cases where a woman has had a rough ride with fickle relationships, and per se has HAD to do so! Have to hear the women's opinion on this!
"Here" ,the world seems to say, "is a woman with a sex drive and proud of it. No touchy-feely (no pun here -editor) emotions for this one". Well - methinks this chick is taking us for a ride. Hey -we've all met women who enjoy sex and not too shy to admit it- but no one -at least in my "normal people" sphere seems to think of sex ALL the time.
Its weird - its just a carefully built porn bubble for the refined man - no never-ending cleavage or red bathing suits here- its sophisticated, well-worded sex interspersed with shades of a feminist movement but its still got sweaty bodies and enough references to wetness to make you think sexually depraved women instead of a leaky tap next time you hear the word. Gotta think lowest common denominator, mate!
Bosh - No one's got a one track mind- not even those geniuses in school who built 30,000 Cd libraries of porn. Its possible that women may be able to detach sexual feeling from emotional but that's only in cases where a woman has had a rough ride with fickle relationships, and per se has HAD to do so! Have to hear the women's opinion on this!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
STBOB #2: More was to come but for Karen..
I can't even begin to tell you the viciousness of the reaction to my couch theorizing. I, for one, was so happy with the pregnant nascence of my effort that all i could think of was how much more i could add to all that I said about women last time. And then she happened. A precocious little thing with too many opinions, she got into a virtual catfight demanding an explanation for my simplistic views.
Her points and (probably most of those who do end up reading what i put up yesterday).
1. Are things so black and white?
2. Is everything men do designed to "get some"?
Well. its like this. (its what i told her and i hope it makes sense to you too).
Its like you land in Mazgumma city and want to know everything about it! In your enthusiasm, you'll probably run out of steam ten miles out of the airport, hobbling as you would be between every nook, cranny and cafe you see.
Now if i gave you a sheet of paper that said
1. Mazgumma Palace: 10 miles out North west. (Take a tonga)
2. Mazgumma Museum: Behind airport. Walk.
3. Mazgumma Park: 6 miles south of airport. Its twenty square miles. Pack lunch.
4. Mazgumma strip bar: Look in the direction of the big bear, when it gets dark. Look for the Neons. Minimum Tip charge: 10 Mazgus. Waitress bum pinch on the house.
Well, you bet that's not all there is to Mazgumma city, (or to women if you've missed the point i'm so laboriously making) but you get my drift.
When it comes to understanding new landscapes - take in the broad highlights first up, and then go looking for that tiny place, hidden away three miles out at Mozbulka Market, bang opposite Zenot bookstore, that serves Mazgumma's best panzanika.
To all accusations of simplicity, that what i have to say. An understanding of the subtleties need to follow a basic understanding. A rather splendidly made point, i think.
Her points and (probably most of those who do end up reading what i put up yesterday).
1. Are things so black and white?
2. Is everything men do designed to "get some"?
Well. its like this. (its what i told her and i hope it makes sense to you too).
Its like you land in Mazgumma city and want to know everything about it! In your enthusiasm, you'll probably run out of steam ten miles out of the airport, hobbling as you would be between every nook, cranny and cafe you see.
Now if i gave you a sheet of paper that said
1. Mazgumma Palace: 10 miles out North west. (Take a tonga)
2. Mazgumma Museum: Behind airport. Walk.
3. Mazgumma Park: 6 miles south of airport. Its twenty square miles. Pack lunch.
4. Mazgumma strip bar: Look in the direction of the big bear, when it gets dark. Look for the Neons. Minimum Tip charge: 10 Mazgus. Waitress bum pinch on the house.
Well, you bet that's not all there is to Mazgumma city, (or to women if you've missed the point i'm so laboriously making) but you get my drift.
When it comes to understanding new landscapes - take in the broad highlights first up, and then go looking for that tiny place, hidden away three miles out at Mozbulka Market, bang opposite Zenot bookstore, that serves Mazgumma's best panzanika.
To all accusations of simplicity, that what i have to say. An understanding of the subtleties need to follow a basic understanding. A rather splendidly made point, i think.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
(STBOB #1) Women
For all the literature in the world on women, there is still some scope for improvement. There are still millions of unmated men and women out there. All because they dont know the rules. Strange but True.
Well, in this edition of spewnotes, i try and cast some light on the matter. My locus standi? fuck knows. At any rate, here we go.
Women switch between two basic states, and if men have a hope of getting any, they need to cater to two of these all the time. Yes. All the time.
Woman to Child (W2C)....(HEIL THE HENPECK)
Basically, a Mom state. Very strongly defined in most women, its a simple state of mind needing to arrange the world in a pre-determined order. (The order itself is common to most women, but let's not get into that.) All you need to do is fall in with this order For eg: Bathing before Sunday lunch or some such.
If you try and be ultra-cool, and want your space, be careful. You may get it. For me, and most guys, i suspect, this is the state most difficult to get used to. It is like getting your maleness pounded into flaccid submission. Painful.
There is an upside to this though. (This note, written as it is being by an enlightened male, aims to share the cheerful state of existence of "been there, done that".)
If you time it right, you might get your fortnight's laundry done at bristling pace by woman in the throes of getting her world to look exactly like the way she wants it to look. All you have to do, is observe the frequency of above state. (This is very specific to each woman, but you might find that this eruption usually happens at the time of your favourite game on TV. You see, finding you in the middle of bristling constructive activity takes the fizz out of the whole exercise. Finding you somnolent watching "John Snead's amazing pool trickshots" is much more satisfying. Who said women werent logical?). Well anyways, it is important to let the woman squeeze as much satisfaction out of the entire episode. If this means that you hold on to your TV Couch, against all your gentlemanly instincts, do not budge. Secondly, try and leave all your unwashed laundry / cigarette butts / expired porno in one massive pile. Concentrate on the game. You'll find a squeaky clean den and a happily martyr like woman the next day.
(NOTE: A dangerous refinement - actually trying to incite this "W2C" state, when too lazy to do your laundry- is something best left to married men.)
Woman To Dad(W2D)...(CUDDLE THE COBRA)
A Child state. At times, the best part of women, its the state where they want to be hugged and protected. It brings out the Male instinct, and is a bit like alcohol in that respect. It fills you with that warm woozy feeling, suffusing every fibre of your being with a warm glow, makes you think you are the First Emperor, when all you are really doing is dissolving your insides in some harsh liquids and killing some brain cells. Women, really, are hardly any different.
Of course, there exists this particular brand of refined male, who having been through countless encounters of a similar type, and having had to deal with the aftermath, now know what this is. A heaven-sent opportunity to make out. And that's what it is. Just follow steps 1-3.
1. Do the cuddle.
2. Don't solve problems.
3. Whisper sweet nothings (And that's not as hypocritical as it sounds. Might sound like a paradox to males, but it is really a meaningful routine that works for women. A bit like the psychiatrist's couch).
4. Make out
Wonderful approach. Highly recommended.
Of course, there have been well-intentioned men, who have dismissed above approach as farcical. There are few of them left to tout the positives of their approach. (Most of them are either dead, single or temporarily gay). But some hieroglyphs have yielded the fact that their approach may have been not as wise as they had hoped.
Apparently, They followed the following steps:
1. Cuddled. (Honestly, this is instinctive)
2. Listened. (Apparently, this is where the disaster began.)
3. Reacted. ( One of the rare moments which was satisfying to both parties concerned)
4. Set out a plan to solve the problem (Ouch)
5. Went to bed with a plan and determined clench of the jaw.
6. Woke up to find woman considerably less victimized than she seemed the night before."AH! she's being brave! Attagirl." (Poor man. Clueless.)
7. Met woman the next evening. Expecting to be gazed at with loving adoration. Almost expecting the Final Token Of Male superiority - The Blow Job. Things dont go quite according to plan. Woman arrives somewhat peevish. Allegations of "running my life" ; "control freak" ; "obsessive" pile on late through the night.
8. Next morning, finds said male run over by bus. (Apparently didn't read the sign "Crossing the road while Wondering about why-girlfriend-dumped-me is Strictly Prohibited.")
On the whole, its a state that's responsible for keeping most relationships and marriages going.
These are the two states, that i like to think, are the ones that one needs to be aware of, if one is looking to get some. There are other more superficial states. Periods, Marriages and Engagements, that bring out some interesting shades in women.
We'll get into that sometime. Its late and i gotta get home!
Well, in this edition of spewnotes, i try and cast some light on the matter. My locus standi? fuck knows. At any rate, here we go.
Women switch between two basic states, and if men have a hope of getting any, they need to cater to two of these all the time. Yes. All the time.
Woman to Child (W2C)....(HEIL THE HENPECK)
Basically, a Mom state. Very strongly defined in most women, its a simple state of mind needing to arrange the world in a pre-determined order. (The order itself is common to most women, but let's not get into that.) All you need to do is fall in with this order For eg: Bathing before Sunday lunch or some such.
If you try and be ultra-cool, and want your space, be careful. You may get it. For me, and most guys, i suspect, this is the state most difficult to get used to. It is like getting your maleness pounded into flaccid submission. Painful.
There is an upside to this though. (This note, written as it is being by an enlightened male, aims to share the cheerful state of existence of "been there, done that".)
If you time it right, you might get your fortnight's laundry done at bristling pace by woman in the throes of getting her world to look exactly like the way she wants it to look. All you have to do, is observe the frequency of above state. (This is very specific to each woman, but you might find that this eruption usually happens at the time of your favourite game on TV. You see, finding you in the middle of bristling constructive activity takes the fizz out of the whole exercise. Finding you somnolent watching "John Snead's amazing pool trickshots" is much more satisfying. Who said women werent logical?). Well anyways, it is important to let the woman squeeze as much satisfaction out of the entire episode. If this means that you hold on to your TV Couch, against all your gentlemanly instincts, do not budge. Secondly, try and leave all your unwashed laundry / cigarette butts / expired porno in one massive pile. Concentrate on the game. You'll find a squeaky clean den and a happily martyr like woman the next day.
(NOTE: A dangerous refinement - actually trying to incite this "W2C" state, when too lazy to do your laundry- is something best left to married men.)
Woman To Dad(W2D)...(CUDDLE THE COBRA)
A Child state. At times, the best part of women, its the state where they want to be hugged and protected. It brings out the Male instinct, and is a bit like alcohol in that respect. It fills you with that warm woozy feeling, suffusing every fibre of your being with a warm glow, makes you think you are the First Emperor, when all you are really doing is dissolving your insides in some harsh liquids and killing some brain cells. Women, really, are hardly any different.
Of course, there exists this particular brand of refined male, who having been through countless encounters of a similar type, and having had to deal with the aftermath, now know what this is. A heaven-sent opportunity to make out. And that's what it is. Just follow steps 1-3.
1. Do the cuddle.
2. Don't solve problems.
3. Whisper sweet nothings (And that's not as hypocritical as it sounds. Might sound like a paradox to males, but it is really a meaningful routine that works for women. A bit like the psychiatrist's couch).
4. Make out
Wonderful approach. Highly recommended.
Of course, there have been well-intentioned men, who have dismissed above approach as farcical. There are few of them left to tout the positives of their approach. (Most of them are either dead, single or temporarily gay). But some hieroglyphs have yielded the fact that their approach may have been not as wise as they had hoped.
Apparently, They followed the following steps:
1. Cuddled. (Honestly, this is instinctive)
2. Listened. (Apparently, this is where the disaster began.)
3. Reacted. ( One of the rare moments which was satisfying to both parties concerned)
4. Set out a plan to solve the problem (Ouch)
5. Went to bed with a plan and determined clench of the jaw.
6. Woke up to find woman considerably less victimized than she seemed the night before."AH! she's being brave! Attagirl." (Poor man. Clueless.)
7. Met woman the next evening. Expecting to be gazed at with loving adoration. Almost expecting the Final Token Of Male superiority - The Blow Job. Things dont go quite according to plan. Woman arrives somewhat peevish. Allegations of "running my life" ; "control freak" ; "obsessive" pile on late through the night.
8. Next morning, finds said male run over by bus. (Apparently didn't read the sign "Crossing the road while Wondering about why-girlfriend-dumped-me is Strictly Prohibited.")
On the whole, its a state that's responsible for keeping most relationships and marriages going.
These are the two states, that i like to think, are the ones that one needs to be aware of, if one is looking to get some. There are other more superficial states. Periods, Marriages and Engagements, that bring out some interesting shades in women.
We'll get into that sometime. Its late and i gotta get home!
STBOTB
Between you and me and our loyal viewership of about three people, I have to admit I love the stuff i write. I know I know....it just isn't fashionable to do that these days. But I spend hours going over my stuff, and to my incisively unbiased eye, some of my writes are truly magnificent.
In fact so good that....well... read on..
" For hundreds of weeks, spewnotes has been spewing away touching issues that affect us deeply..from broken hearts to torn pockets, nose hairclipper maintenance to moody eggs.... and now..spewnotes returns to you in a unique special edition called "Scraping the Bottom Of the Barrel in Spewnotes (STBOTB)" which will carry those spews that have received the strongest reactions, in no way discriminating between positive (of which, remarkably enough, there were few), and negative (where we've had a problem of plenty) reaction-inducing posts.
We, however will try to factor in the social upliftment angle to spewnotes, and apart from unintentional entertainment, we choose spews that carry serious views that may a remote chance of redeeming humanity at some later date. Launching the STBOTB.."
In fact so good that....well... read on..
" For hundreds of weeks, spewnotes has been spewing away touching issues that affect us deeply..from broken hearts to torn pockets, nose hairclipper maintenance to moody eggs.... and now..spewnotes returns to you in a unique special edition called "Scraping the Bottom Of the Barrel in Spewnotes (STBOTB)" which will carry those spews that have received the strongest reactions, in no way discriminating between positive (of which, remarkably enough, there were few), and negative (where we've had a problem of plenty) reaction-inducing posts.
We, however will try to factor in the social upliftment angle to spewnotes, and apart from unintentional entertainment, we choose spews that carry serious views that may a remote chance of redeeming humanity at some later date. Launching the STBOTB.."
Friday, July 28, 2006
Insightful Bollywood
"Tum Sarkar ko maarna chaahthe ho ya Subhash Naagre ko maarna chaahthe ho?
Dono alag alag hain, Vishraam…..Subhaash Naagre ek insaan hain ……aur Sarkar ek soch."
- "Sarkar", 2005
Wow. I mean..wow.
Dono alag alag hain, Vishraam…..Subhaash Naagre ek insaan hain ……aur Sarkar ek soch."
- "Sarkar", 2005
Wow. I mean..wow.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
This from a song By Sandi Thom - couldn't have put it better myself.
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
When the head of state didn't play guitar
Not everybody drove a car
When music really mattered and when radio was king
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything
When pop stars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when god saved the queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
My mom and dad were in their teens
And anarchy was still a dream
And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail
When record shops were still on top
And vinyl was all that they stocked
And the super info highway was still drifting out in space
Kids were wearing hand me downs
And playing games meant kick arounds
And footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.
Wonder what our song will be forty years on.
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
When the head of state didn't play guitar
Not everybody drove a car
When music really mattered and when radio was king
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything
When pop stars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when god saved the queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
My mom and dad were in their teens
And anarchy was still a dream
And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail
When record shops were still on top
And vinyl was all that they stocked
And the super info highway was still drifting out in space
Kids were wearing hand me downs
And playing games meant kick arounds
And footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.
Wonder what our song will be forty years on.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Another one from susie..
Unbeknownst to Susie, the last post is doing the rounds, and in pitches in Daddy with another one from her in her Dilbertian mood...
"am not doing too much!!!
Still following the policy...look busy, take it easy!
Have tons to do, but no enthu!"
She's rich, that one!
"am not doing too much!!!
Still following the policy...look busy, take it easy!
Have tons to do, but no enthu!"
She's rich, that one!
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Susie....
Susie is not usually big on spouting truisms, but this one was too rich for me to let go.
" ........and howz work going?"
" Oh the same old deal! you know? Meet clients - act intelligent......Meet Boss - act stupid, Meet colleagues - act competent..."
I think this is what is going to be my career's epitaph.
" ........and howz work going?"
" Oh the same old deal! you know? Meet clients - act intelligent......Meet Boss - act stupid, Meet colleagues - act competent..."
I think this is what is going to be my career's epitaph.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Out of the mouths of babes and ...bosses
In my new avataar as mint-fresh b-grad, i rather too wholeheartedly took to the job of designing a new channel structure for a widget product offer from Acme Global. Ol' John Silver warned me about how important this was to Acme global, and sternly demanded rigorous detail in the research and analysis. "We like to think we hire the best people, and here's your chance to show we did right!!"
Followed weeks of dust-filled days of interviewing customers and consumers (aha!), gathering data, wringing out all my meagre knowledge to squeeze out sensible conclusions on the channel structure, crunching the distribution cost figures into respectable looking excel sheets -complete with linked sheets,modify-able assumption figures each neatly fonted in red, with comments in the important cells.
Two weeks later, Ol' John Silver beckons me into the meeting room "Slave - you ready with the numbers?" "ulp!..eh..sure" ... I stumble into the glassed in meeting room.....begin gaining confidence as i open my laptop like a an egyptian peddler about to show off his new range of aprodisiacs .....the screen blinks into life...and emerges my tabbed, highlighted, commented 17days, twenty two hours and 3 zillion grey cell worth excel file - row upon row of gleaming ratios and percentages.....kilos and tons of product....hundreds of thousands of consumers...just waiting to make millions for Acme Global....I launch into my spiel....take care to bring out the nuances in the channel structure - different options i'd considered but discarded in the face of crystal clear consumer insights before arriving on this gleaming model, different combinations of which are laid out in the shining specimen now awaiting his razor-sharp, analytical brain's incisive attention.
....pause..
Ol' John narrows his brows, scratches his chin thoughtfully ....." I am not interested in numbers, slave". "Eh, Lord John?" (they are quite informal around here..no tedious usage of full names unlike other stuffy companies. Even a cheery "your highness" could pass muster on saturdays)
"I said i am not interested in the numbers.." leans back in sleek, ergonomic chair....and looks at the ceiling..."I want to know what exactly is the moral ground holding your channel structure together?"
Kerrrr-whump!...... "eh, what?"
"I said what exactly is the MORAL GROUND HOLDING YOUR CHANNEL TOGETHER?"
"eh? ....er...moral..uh..well...economic incentives?" (this while cursing myself for the classes i've slept through.)
Ol' John is in into his stride now "You mean to say that the only thing holding your channel together is economic rationale?"
"err....well...no...i mean..there is ..umm..bonding.. mutual resp--"
"blah blah blah ........anyway, we'll talk about this tomorrow -it is too important to ignore in our business. Channel members must be morally bound as well as economically incentivized and you should have thought of this".
May the sweet lord help me.
Followed weeks of dust-filled days of interviewing customers and consumers (aha!), gathering data, wringing out all my meagre knowledge to squeeze out sensible conclusions on the channel structure, crunching the distribution cost figures into respectable looking excel sheets -complete with linked sheets,modify-able assumption figures each neatly fonted in red, with comments in the important cells.
Two weeks later, Ol' John Silver beckons me into the meeting room "Slave - you ready with the numbers?" "ulp!..eh..sure" ... I stumble into the glassed in meeting room.....begin gaining confidence as i open my laptop like a an egyptian peddler about to show off his new range of aprodisiacs .....the screen blinks into life...and emerges my tabbed, highlighted, commented 17days, twenty two hours and 3 zillion grey cell worth excel file - row upon row of gleaming ratios and percentages.....kilos and tons of product....hundreds of thousands of consumers...just waiting to make millions for Acme Global....I launch into my spiel....take care to bring out the nuances in the channel structure - different options i'd considered but discarded in the face of crystal clear consumer insights before arriving on this gleaming model, different combinations of which are laid out in the shining specimen now awaiting his razor-sharp, analytical brain's incisive attention.
....pause..
Ol' John narrows his brows, scratches his chin thoughtfully ....." I am not interested in numbers, slave". "Eh, Lord John?" (they are quite informal around here..no tedious usage of full names unlike other stuffy companies. Even a cheery "your highness" could pass muster on saturdays)
"I said i am not interested in the numbers.." leans back in sleek, ergonomic chair....and looks at the ceiling..."I want to know what exactly is the moral ground holding your channel structure together?"
Kerrrr-whump!...... "eh, what?"
"I said what exactly is the MORAL GROUND HOLDING YOUR CHANNEL TOGETHER?"
"eh? ....er...moral..uh..well...economic incentives?" (this while cursing myself for the classes i've slept through.)
Ol' John is in into his stride now "You mean to say that the only thing holding your channel together is economic rationale?"
"err....well...no...i mean..there is ..umm..bonding.. mutual resp--"
"blah blah blah ........anyway, we'll talk about this tomorrow -it is too important to ignore in our business. Channel members must be morally bound as well as economically incentivized and you should have thought of this".
May the sweet lord help me.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
A pub conversation between an MBA and..well..read on
It was a sunny Sunday afternoon and I was sittin' in a pub with a rollercoaster depressive-creative woman in one of her more stable moods and getting introduced to this succession of wonderful women (esther, karen, zoe, tang and sowmya -I hope you're readin' this) absolutely lolling happily in the high spot of post-pubescent male life (its been a calmish life so far, I must say), lunchin' on pork and swimming in beer, I was a content man. Until he happened. (if you think HE's going to be turn out to be handsome hunk with honey drop eyes….you should be reading cosmo!).
He turned out to be this bearded man with a booming laugh and a seemingly inimitable air of dope and genius about him (I am sorry but this one is NOT gonna be about the women!) and the conversation inevitably veered to love and sex, and to my liberally middle-classed mind- the astonishing exclusivity of these two. (nope - its not about love and sex either - I did recommend the damn cosmo, right?). Anyway, said bearded person was holding forth on some theory that involved him making quadrants with love and sex as the dimensions - the theory itself is another story - but suddenly he thundered ".........this sort of denial is well explained by a term called cognitive dissonance!!!" implying by his tone that us mere mortals couldn't possibly know what it meant. Reading my open-mouthed shock as an unquenched thirst for knowledge, he went on to explain it as "post-decision rationalizing" to feel better about the decision .
OW! I managed to gather my senses and stutter that CD was actually "post decision (purchase) concern/dissatisfaction about decision and possible looking at alternatives at next purchase". (this may not have been the best way i could put it but i was a few down myself).
He looked down his bushy beard to locate the mortal who had dared voice doubts
He turned out to be this bearded man with a booming laugh and a seemingly inimitable air of dope and genius about him (I am sorry but this one is NOT gonna be about the women!) and the conversation inevitably veered to love and sex, and to my liberally middle-classed mind- the astonishing exclusivity of these two. (nope - its not about love and sex either - I did recommend the damn cosmo, right?). Anyway, said bearded person was holding forth on some theory that involved him making quadrants with love and sex as the dimensions - the theory itself is another story - but suddenly he thundered ".........this sort of denial is well explained by a term called cognitive dissonance!!!" implying by his tone that us mere mortals couldn't possibly know what it meant. Reading my open-mouthed shock as an unquenched thirst for knowledge, he went on to explain it as "post-decision rationalizing" to feel better about the decision .
OW! I managed to gather my senses and stutter that CD was actually "post decision (purchase) concern/dissatisfaction about decision and possible looking at alternatives at next purchase". (this may not have been the best way i could put it but i was a few down myself).
He looked down his bushy beard to locate the mortal who had dared voice doubts
"ARE YOU FROM MARKETING, BOY?" .... "er..yes" ...." I AM A BEHAVIOURAL SCIENTIST, AND NOT ONE IN A PARTICULARLY ARGUMENTATIVE MOOD EITHER BUT I WILL SAY THIS - ALL YOU MARKETING BOYS DO IS READ STUFF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND FULLY AND TRY TO USE IT TO MAKE SILLY THEORIES TO TRY AND SELL MORE TOOTHPASTE".
Well - he may have had something there but my sunny sunday afternoon had graduated gently to a pleasant evening but my mood had a taken an arc rather more steep and a hue much deeper. Of course, it improved with some unselfish ego massage by karen but that wasn't enough to gloss over the painful fact that my own smugness could be shattered by another's rather more deeply set one.
Well - he may have had something there but my sunny sunday afternoon had graduated gently to a pleasant evening but my mood had a taken an arc rather more steep and a hue much deeper. Of course, it improved with some unselfish ego massage by karen but that wasn't enough to gloss over the painful fact that my own smugness could be shattered by another's rather more deeply set one.
But what was good about the damn tiff is that the realization that b-school can take you within a sniffer's distance of actual knowledge - and that can be pretty rewarding - as long as you don't think of it as the last bloody word on anything.
Post this sordid episode, I can only fantasize about how that evening would have turned out if he was wrong and ended up grovelling at my feet for more knowledge or - at the opposite end of this miniscule spectrum of knowing and not knowing - wonder about how I would have felt about my existence I hadnt a damn clue about whatever he was talkin' about!
"Absolute knowledge" - utter fiction, I tell you,
Post this sordid episode, I can only fantasize about how that evening would have turned out if he was wrong and ended up grovelling at my feet for more knowledge or - at the opposite end of this miniscule spectrum of knowing and not knowing - wonder about how I would have felt about my existence I hadnt a damn clue about whatever he was talkin' about!
"Absolute knowledge" - utter fiction, I tell you,
Banned!
This is rich..It really is. And I've got to record this. Today is July 18, 2006, and for the last 11:42:32 hours (not really but being absurdly specific seems to add a certain sense of drama), this blog stands banned in India! (Actually, I think blogspot has been banned but it doesn't hurt to do a lil credit hoggin', does it?).
I always knew my inane chatter about holey pockets and white-trousered women were mildly offensive, but to have it banned by the powers-that-be adds a dash of credibility like a shot of vodka to a cocktail. All ye mere mortals, do not lose hope..i stand unshakeable for the towering values of mundane chatter about irrelevant areas that touch our lives in hugely uncertain ways.
PS: I am so struck by the drama of it all - this post has a certain war-like air of strife-stricken scratchy voices sending messages out to the world listening with bated breath.
Over and out, so to speak,
I always knew my inane chatter about holey pockets and white-trousered women were mildly offensive, but to have it banned by the powers-that-be adds a dash of credibility like a shot of vodka to a cocktail. All ye mere mortals, do not lose hope..i stand unshakeable for the towering values of mundane chatter about irrelevant areas that touch our lives in hugely uncertain ways.
PS: I am so struck by the drama of it all - this post has a certain war-like air of strife-stricken scratchy voices sending messages out to the world listening with bated breath.
Over and out, so to speak,
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)